And we’re back. Episode 2 of Rachel Lindsay’s season of The Bachelorette aired last night with all the drama and cliches we’ve come to expect from The Bachelor franchise. Let’s jump right in.

Week 2 featured 2 group dates and 1 one-on-one date. Pretty standard when there’s still this many contestants in the house. Like clockwork, Bryan (the chiropractor who got the first impression rose [FIR] last week & was Rachel’s first kiss of the season) did not get any dates this week. The FIR recipient never does. If you remember, Rachel got the FIR on Nick Viall’s season, so she’s likely bonded with Bryan over that.

Group Date #1: Lucas (Whaboom), Jack (Creepy), Kenny (Pretty Boy Pitbull), Fred (Rachel used to be his counselor at summer camp), Blake E. (Loves his penis), plus Dean, Jamey & Iggy who are just not that memorable.

Ashton Kutcher & Mila Kunis aka Rachel’s friends (yeah, right) appear to help Rachel pick a husband. They’re hosting a challenge called “The Husband Material” obstacle course where the guys must change a diaper, rock a Baby Bjorn, vacuum in a straight line, drain hair from a sink, wash dishes, set the dinner table, then get a bouquet of flowers. Ashton Kutcher proclaims “I don’t think Rachel’s husband is in this group” only after telling Mila that he knew she was the one from the first day he met her. He must have forgotten about his 8 year marriage to Demi Moore in between there. Unfortunately, Whaboom wins the challenge and extra time with Rachel, but Dean comes out of the date with the rose. Why? I have no idea. She must like his smile. He’s very bland.

Blake E. has an obsession with Whaboom. If you didn’t already know, they appeared on a show together called Ex Isle on WEtv several years ago. Whaboom brought his girlfriend Brittany on the show so they could work out their issues. Part of the show’s premise is that they bring in attractive singles to try and tempt people to leave their relationship and be with them. Blake E. was one of those singles. Lucas and Brittany eventually broke up and Brittany moved in with Blake E. as friends. Blake has a lot to say about Brittany, like he had to have her legally evicted because she tried to steal his dog. Brittany has posted on her Twitter that Blake mistreated his dog, including feeding him protein supplements so he would gain more muscle. I don’t know. The whole situation is messed up, but for entertainment’s sake. Let’s all take a moment to appreciate this picture of Blake’s first personal training “client”.

One-on-One Date: Peter gets a date card that says “I’m looking for my best friend.” They go on a date with Rachel’s dog Copper to Bark Fest in Palm Springs, California via a private jet. We saw nothing but dogs (I’m not mad at it) and cutaways of confessionals of Rachel and Peter both talking about how into each other they are. The audience doesn’t see it, but more power to them. Peter gets a rose at the end of the date and will move onto Week 3.

Group Date #2: Lee, DeMario, Will, Josiah, Eric, Matt, Adam, Jamey, Diggy, and Alex. Rachel takes them to a high school gym to play basketball, where surprise, Rachel’s “friend” Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is there waiting to teach the men a thing or two about basketball. I find it highly interesting that Abdul-Jabbar is on the show after making these firey comments about it back in January. In any case, the basketball lessons did not help. It was some seriously awkward basketball spectated by random extras filling the bleachers along with millions of viewers at home. After the game, a woman who identified herself as Lexi asked to speak to Rachel. She then told Rachel that she was DeMario’s girlfriend of seven months and that he had never broken up with her. Long story short, Rachel is pissed, DeMario denies it, Lexi proves it, DeMario is sent packing.

After Rachel tells the guys what happened, they turn on the charm and lay it on a little too thick for my comfort, including badly written poems, Adam busting out more dolls, and Bryan doing a back adjustment for Rachel. While the cocktail party is going on, DeMario shows up at the gate of Bachelor Mansion and asks to speak to Rachel. Chris Harrison obliges and goes to get Rachel. The last thing we see is Rachel walking to speak to DeMario and the guys panicking, ready to kick his ass. To be continued….

See you next week.